In the last few days, I've come to accept surrendering to the idea of going to confession. There was a moment when I struggled to prove that confession wasn't commanded by Jesus. This came from exhaustion after seeing YouTube videos repeatedly pop up without finding answers to my questions. I see what I call a "church conflict" regarding the forgiveness of sins: it happens both during Mass and when a person repents on their deathbed. Yet the church continues to emphasize the importance of confession.
Though I see this conflict, I've surrendered to my understanding of God's law that asks us to follow the leaders He appointed, for God created these positions and allowed these leaders to hold them. If I'm following God's commands, I must also follow the church's leaders—and confession is one of these commands. This is a test for me to learn to trust in God. Faith is knowing and begins with trusting. I can now see that surrendering isn't about giving up, but rather it's an act of trusting.
During this time, I received an insight about judgment through a simple thought: "Do I need to judge this moment?" This occurred as I was waking early one morning. In my semi-conscious state, my rational mind chose not to judge, and interestingly, my emotional side (my Subconscious) had no reaction. It was as though my Subconscious stood ready, waiting to see if I would make a judgment it would need to process and integrate. This experience revealed to me how deeply my judgments affect both my body and subconscious mind—and while the exact mechanism remains unclear, I now understand these moments of judgment profoundly impact my entire being. Later that same day at Mass, the Sunday reading on April 6 featured the story of the woman facing stoning, where Jesus chose not to judge her (John 8:1-11).
This experience led me to contemplate the deeper meaning behind Jesus's act of mercy when He chose not to judge.
Yes, in John 12:47, Jesus explicitly states: "If anyone hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge that person. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world."
This aligns with John 3:17 which says: "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."
However, it's important to note that while Jesus's first coming was not for judgment, scripture indicates that He will come again as judge (Acts 10:42, 2 Timothy 4:1). The focus of His first mission was salvation and mercy, demonstrating God's love for humanity.
My understanding is that God is not judging anyone at this stage—this will be done at the final judgment. While there is no judgment on me by God now, this doesn't free me to sin without consequences. There is a universal law of cause and effect, where all actions impact both myself and others. While I don't believe in karma, I can see how this concept stems from these universal laws of cause and effect. Any punishment I think I'm receiving for my actions isn't from God, but rather from myself or others.
I often saw the torment of my conscience as punishment from God, but now I understand that the Holy Spirit's conviction isn't torment or punishment—rather, it's awareness of my sins. I'm seeing how the Holy Spirit affects me, with emotions of guilt and shame becoming so overwhelming that this flood of feelings creates mental conflict I can't manage, leaving me to break down. I've built avoidance habits like smoking, watching TV, or endlessly scrolling through YouTube—all actions designed to escape the moment.
The Holy Spirit's conviction, as described in John 16:8-11, is different from condemnation or judgment. Jesus explains that the Holy Spirit will "convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment." This conviction serves as a divine guidance system - it's not meant to condemn but to lead people to truth and repentance.
The Holy Spirit's conviction works in three main ways:
1. Conviction of sin: The Spirit helps us recognize when we've strayed from God's path, creating an awareness of our need for redemption| 2. Conviction of righteousness: The Spirit reveals God's standard of righteousness and helps us understand how to live according to God's will 3.Conviction of judgment: The Spirit shows us the eternal consequences of our choices, not as a threat but as a loving warning
This conviction differs from guilt or shame that comes from self-condemnation or societal pressure. The Holy Spirit's conviction always points toward hope and restoration, leading to positive change rather than despair. When we feel this conviction, it's an invitation to draw closer to God rather than a punishment or torment.
As stated in 2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." The Holy Spirit's conviction produces this "godly sorrow" that leads to transformation and healing.
This personal reflection captures a transformative period in my faith journey, highlighting the delicate balance between doubt and trust, judgment and mercy, and the profound role of surrender in spiritual growth. Through these experiences, I've come to better understand the nature of God's love and the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit.
